We return to the ‘70’s and learn that coach trips do not run in November.

Groupon has a lot to answer for. It works well in London but when our eye was caught by a Loch Lomond hotel, little could we have guessed what a bizarre experience we were in for.

Tyndrum is a Scottish crossroads at the top of Loch Lomond, an overnight stop en route to somewhere else, a sea of dodgy roadhouses and accommodation.

The Muthu Ben Doran is a sprawling goliath, designed for huge coach parties. I was initially entranced by the great open log fire in the reception area which was actually just a big screen with a Youtube video of a fire – how neat. Maybe all our experiences one day will be Youtube generated, with screens of wildlife under the acacia trees of Kenya when we have finally obliterated all animals from this earth.

The room was comfortable enough in an upmarket Travelodge sort of way with nice crisp linen on the bed (no feather pillows though) and a comfy if firm mattress; there was plenty of piping hot water in the faux marble bathroom with a full size tub and fluffy towels. Minus points though for the non adjustable room heater that was screwed in place at a permanent 22 degrees – we had to open the window which doesn’t do much for global warming.

However the really bizarre bit came when we went to the bar, the deal including a glass of wine each. A great cavernous room with lots of lounges and even a dance floor – and completely empty.

We decided to head straight into dinner and encountered more of the same. It was like being on a vast empty cruise liner, though on closer inspection we found 7 other people looking equally lost in a room set up for 350 people. Maybe they were on the same deal.

Dinner started with lentil soup and ham hock terrine which were fine but went rapidly downhill from there. The southern fried chicken was dry and crusty; the strawberry cheesecake came with a glace cherry and canned cream.  We retreated to bed to escape the racket of the waitress clearing trolley.

We slept well and woke to a grey damp day. One other person was there for breakfast, which I suspect had been cooked the night before. When I enquired about scrambled eggs, the waitress looked nonplussed and said we would have to wait – maybe the chef does not get up that early.

So yes to the bedrooms if you are passing through but skip the catering which is a relic of the ‘70’s. The worrying thing is I am not sure if it would be better or worse if it were full of coach parties. Full marks to Youtube for the fire though!

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